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an emotional landslide [entries|friends|calendar]
can i get the legos with the happy meal?

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[29 Jul 2011|12:01pm]
so, i guess i wasn't sure what to say to her or if i should have said anything. i got her number and told her that it was a lot and i'd give her a call.

and i still haven't. mostly because i'm not sure what there is to say. i guess maybe part of me wants to get to know her? sort of? and part of me wishes she wasn't real. and you know, maybe she's not. it's not like she handed me a copy of a dna test or anything. so it's entirely possible that it's not real. right?


i still haven't told the boy about what really happened or what she said. i'm not sure i'm ready to. and god knows i haven't told my parents or my actual sister about it either.

i think mostly i'd really like to just ignore the whole thing and pretend it isn't real. but i don't think i really have that option. if i do, then what? she found me, it's only a matter of time until she finds someone else in my family.

maybe i should call her? have a drink or something. get some lunch. knock back a few brews? ugh. i'd rather take her to get a haircut. bitch needs it.
chew me up

who's there? [26 Jul 2011|06:55pm]
there was a knock at the door a few days ago. i was already jumpy and i don't get a lot of unexpected guests. and there were people painting my building and i hated having them around. like, should i make small talk with them? should i offer them water since they're working outside in the heat? or does that make me seem like a creeper? are they going to laugh at me when i go back in my apartment? these are things that go through my head on a regular basis.

but whatever.

there was a knock at the door. i didn't recognize the person through the peephole, but my big clumsy steps were a dead giveaway that i was home. i figured i would kindly send off the jehova's witness with a polite 'not interested'. or tell the girl selling magazines door to door that i wasn't going to be falling for that scam. or take the pizza coupons and promise to frequent local establishments more often. or explain that this is the wrong apartment and her boyfriend's cousin is upstairs. or anything else to make this strange woman go away so that i could go back to watching tv and thinking obsessive thoughts in peace.

'um. hello?'
'um. hi. can i speak to betterideas'
'what do you need?'
'uh. are you betterideas? from a little town in a big mitten?' *
'okay, seriously, who are you?'
'um. i... i'm sorry i think i have the wrong betterideas'*
'okay bye.'

obviously she was a cop. she was the decoy sent to verify that i was home. in about 2 minutes there would be more of them. they'd break down my door and slap the cuffs on me. they'd have riot gear and they'd tear up my apartment and scare my cats and drag me down to the station. ohmygod. i'd be thrown into a cell and there would be a toilet right in the middle of the room! all the other prisoners are making fun of me because i can't stop crying. no, i'm not crying. i'm sobbing. they are laughing at me while i'm sobbing in the corner. and everything smells like pee. and i didn't even do anything. i don't know why i'm in jail or why i'm not allowed to make a phone call. it's not right. i'm innocent!

obviously she was some facebook stalker. we went to high school together and we've been talking on facebook and somehow she's found where i live. probably tracking me down by the places i've been. or by the backgrounds of my pictures. she's managed to pinpoint my address. and now she's here. she's convinced that i wronged her in high school and she's going to make me pay. she could have just shot me dead when i answered the door, but no, she wants to see me suffer. she's going to boil my cats. that sick bitch is going to torture me for things that she thinks i did to her in high school. she's held a grudge for 13 years and now she's ready to make me pay. she's probably already slashed my tires. i can't even jump out of the window because i'd break a leg landing.

obviously she was...
my brain would not stop. i picked up my phone and tried to call the boy. my shaking hands were making it difficult to manage buttons. he needed to tell me who she was and why she was there, or at the very least tell me that she was not the people that i had decided she was. but he was working. i figured leaving a message would at least get the things out of my head and on to the phone. and then i could start to




i was gripping the phone so tight i thought it would break into a million unusable pieces. i tried to tell him that she was back, but only squeaking noises were coming out. it was downright



'what? who are you? do i need to call the police?'
the words came out of my mouth. they were high pitched and marinated in terror, but they came out nonetheless. my stomach was creeping up my throat as my tongue was swelling up in my mouth. i guess the pressure of the two dislodged the little nugget of language.

'i. i'm sorry. i.. can i.. i.. '
'what do you want?'
'um. okay. um. my name is lisa. ithinki'myoursister.'

*names and places have been changed to protect the.. names and places. certainly not the innocent.
chew me up

[18 Dec 2010|03:45pm]
paula had worked for the same company for 10 years, she'd never been promoted, but at the same time, she'd never been fired. all in all, she was content. it only bothered her slightly that most of her co-workers couldn't actually remember her name. in the past week alone she'd been called paulette, pauline, patty, and most disturbing of all, jean. she would have attempted to correct the errors, but this had always proven to be rather pointless in the past. for some reason paula was not a person that most people would remember. and that only bothered her slightly.
chew me up

[17 Dec 2010|11:14pm]
she'd only been mistaken for a transexual once, but once was enough in her book.
chew me up

[26 Aug 2010|05:51pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i want.


chew me up

tubular bells [01 May 2010|04:31pm]
it's time to exorcise some demons.

it struck me today that i barely leave the house on my own amymore. i go to work. i come home. that's pretty much it. when people ask me what's new, i don't have an answer. because there isn't anything. nothing. i can't even bring myself to go to the grocery store alone. i've spent the last two days sitting in the house, watching tv. even that's half-hearted. i've lost interest in doing anything that used to be fun. i want to go to the library and get some new books to read, but the thought of leaving the house fills me with such dread. it's not even that i can conjure up some horrifying possibilities. i just don't want to leave my nest. there's nothing to cook in the fridge. i've got tons of vintage cook books that are aching to be experimented with. and i can't bring myself to fucking go buy groceries. there's laundry to fold, movies to watch, people to interact with, and i just can't fucking do it. i paid the gas bill online today and felt like i'd made some huge step. what the fuck?! and i don't even feel like doing anything to remedy this. i'm a joke right now.

and this helps. at least putting this all out here makes me want to take a shower. so that maybe, just maybe i wont be able to use that as my excuse to sit alone in here all day.

so, i'll do that. and then we'll see what happens.

chew me up

[20 Jan 2010|04:46pm]
you break my heart one hundred times each day.
chew me up

my parents were... [12 Dec 2009|09:50pm]

i was scrolling through the pictures, marvelling at the way people used to look. the way that one day, i too will possess embarassing pictures of myself and my friends for future generations to laugh at. to enjoy. to post on the internet. the way that parents, my parents, your parents, were people before us. with lives, and jobs, and drinking buddies, and sports cars, and tight jeans, and bathing suits, and big hair, and moustaches, and...


then i saw him. only, that would be ridiculous. i mean, it's "my parents were awesome" and he only has one child. and that one child did not post that picture of him. i should know. i would know. i do know. only, there he was. and...


suddenly, i didn't know. because, knowing would mean too many things. and...


i don't want to think about those things right now.
chew me up

[03 Aug 2009|05:21pm]
i am made of glass.

and i am going to break.
chew me up

ring ring ring [28 Jul 2009|08:25pm]
i found the phone number to the past. it's a crazy number. almost like calling international. it was found by chance and i didn't write it down, so i only had one phone call. like jail. i had to make it count.

it was late. but i knew i'd be awake. i was always up late in the past. a total night owl. not like now.

i didn't want to waste a lot of time going into the hows and whys and hows of the phone call. i can't imagine what kind of charges would show up on my bill. do you know how much it costs to call the past? i'll find out in about 28 days.

i think if i had more time i would have researched some winning lottery numbers, or maybe some hot stock tips and passed them on. but it was an impulsive call. and i guess that wasn't why i was calling in the first place. but still, it might have been helpful.

anyway, i was pretty skeptical. i mean, in the past. i couldn't believe it, it was crazy, was it some kind of joke, all that nonsense. it was exactly the way i would react to a phone call from the future. so i told myself to shut it and listen as the phone call wasn't going to be cheap. in the past i wasn't really concerned with the costs associated with things. which i guess was why i was calling the past in the first place.

i ran through a list. what to do, who to avoid, what to worry about, why flossing is actually very important. it was all very stream of consciousness. i hadn't planned this out after all. i said to avoid him, to run the other way, to not get tangled in that whole mess. actually, i said to avoid the whole mess. a lot of messes. a lot of hims. and i said to appreciate everyone. to really love my friends, to really be aware. to really live and to not hide from life. to want. to want big. to try. to fail. to try some more. to create. to be happy and not overthink.

and then, to find him. to find him, and hang on to him. to leap with arms open. he would catch me. to love, love, love.

the phone call was a lot shorter than i remember it as being. the timer on the phone says 13m 47s. i felt like i talked for days. i felt better.

i just hope i listened.
2 spit me out| chew me up

the dream [24 Jan 2009|06:05am]
[ mood | blah ]

i was at the beach. i was with christa (who i was furious at for her earlier actions), frankie (the man who had cut my hair and made me a visor to wear), and tammy (this rich girl who drove everywhere in a golf cart). everyone was swimming in the ocean, but i don't swim. so, i sat in the bleachers (?) and watched. christa comes back with tammy's camera and the keys to the station wagon (?) and i put them in my pockets so they won't get wet. the girl sitting next to me in the bleachers (maybe beachers would be more appropriate. haha.) tells security i stole her camera. the security guard questions me about who's camera i have and why and blah blah blah, and he's grabbing my arm. so i tell him to get his hands off me and start yelling. the next thing i know it is hours later and everyone is leaving the beach. we are all walking out of the beach through a giant exit room. the security guard from earlier says something about knowing i didn't steal. christa says it was tammy's fault and she's not really our friend. the security guard agrees and gives me a friendly hug. i push him against the wall and try to kiss him. he resists. i wake up.

chew me up

[04 Dec 2008|03:48am]
the street around him was littered with various human looking appendages. an arm here, a leg there. half a torso on the top/bottom of an overturned minivan. the synthetic skin, wiring, and metal bones were charred around the edges. some had melted and fused together. he was half crouched, half crumbled on the pavement. blood, tears and snot drip, drip, dripped from his face. he was no superhero. he was broken. he was defeated.he was sobbing uncontrollably for the whole world to see. he was twelve.

something was different. darker. the colorful costumes and outlandish plots were nowhere to be found. no death-ray pointed at the city. no ransom demands broadcast to every major television station in the world. no masked and caped villian leaving clues to an overly complex master plan behind. no villian led away in handcuffs. no heroes being given the key to the city by a grateful mayor. no clear cut winner and loser. no one would walk away intact.
chew me up

[15 Nov 2008|06:28pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

i'm such a grown up! i just signed up for dental and optical insurance! though my body may fail me, i'll have some sparkly teeth and flashy glasses to leave behind! huzzah!!

chew me up

[14 Nov 2008|10:40pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

from the minute i first met her she knew everything there was to know. she saw all the insecurities, all the turmoil and angst. i didn't even have to say a word. it was comforting, to be able to skip past the "getting to know you".

some people wondered how she ran her agency so well. they assumed there was some sort of grand computer program at work. some sort of extensive database. every group she put together worked like a well-oiled machine. but it wasn't mechanical. it was organic. it was familial. that was what made it work.

1 spit me out| chew me up

for a roof or shed? [27 Jan 2008|03:47pm]
[ mood | shingle-tastic ]

what the fuck?!

i have shingles?!

what am i, 80?

5 spit me out| chew me up

[23 Mar 2007|03:18pm]
[ mood | sore ]

i dislike moving a great deal.

next time i'm paying someone to do all this shit.

that's all.

1 spit me out| chew me up

i just realized... [06 Aug 2006|09:31pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

being in love has made me dreadfully complacent.

but it feels nice.

5 spit me out| chew me up

consider this an invitation... [05 Jul 2006|01:42pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

alright kids, my birthday is next thursday. july of the thirteenth. i want everyone to come over and make celebration with me. it will be fun. i expect that everyone i personally know who lives in the area will attend. because if you don't, i'll hunt you all down.

i'll probably have pizzas and plenty of booze, but if you want beer you'll need to bring it. and i guess you all can bring dates, but you'd better make out with me at least a little bit if you do.

so, yeah, that's that. y'all can comment or e-mail me, or call me if you want more details.

and if you know people that i would want to be there, tell them too.

peace and chicken grease,

chew me up

for sale! [29 Jun 2006|05:04pm]
[ mood | content ]

my roommate just asked if i thought we could pull off having a yard sale across the street. in a ditch. on the I-94 service drive. where the speed limit is 50mph.

judging by how much shit we both have and don't want, we're totally up for it.

unless you all have some better suggestions.

1 spit me out| chew me up

it's enough to drive you crazy if you let it... [07 Jun 2006|04:17pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

you would think that i deserve a fat promotion..

honestly. so the store i work at is going through a "re-merch". basically, they are tearing up everything and re-organizing everything. everything including my office. i work in the money room / cash office / administrative office. when i came in to work this morning at 5am, i had NO OFFICE. strangely, i don't feel safe counting large sums of cash in a little room with no door. but, i was assured that i would have my office done as soon as possible. since you know, it was supposed to be done overnight. but no. my office was not completed until 2:15 this afternoon. 15 minutes after my scheduled out time. i dragged the money through the fucking store and counted it in the only locked office we have. BY HAND.

luckily jan came in and helped me. otherwise i would have died. a lot. twice.

so, now i'm drunk!

and in more happy news: i'm dating the most bestest man ever. he's smart, funny, cute, and just all around good to me. and i think i've got a major case of the "l". but you know, whatevs. so, i'm still alive. still cranky. still dating the bestest man ever.

and i'm still in love with my livejournal.com


3 spit me out| chew me up

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